Super Garbage Day - Episode 103: Max Payne (PC)

Johnny Knoxville dawns his best a-hole inspired leopard print vest to go toe-to-toe with every deli owner from Brooklyn with hopes to jump across bloody vein/brains and shoot his own mother in the face. Does this game deserve it's flowers, or does it belong in the same category as "Froggy-Style"?

I promise if you listen to this episode that entire description will make complete sense.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_06 0:00

So that's that's my first impression of Twisted Metal 1. What what do you think of next man?

SPEAKER_03 0:04

The very first impression of Twisted Metal 1.

SPEAKER_06 0:16

Coin noises! Welcome to Super Garbage Day Retro Video Game Review Show, where my co-host and I play a game 20 years or older that you, the listener, chooses. Every episode we randomly pick a game submitted by the community to play, kindly dissect, and then dask. Welcome to episode 103. I am your host, B. Ross, also known as Charlie Coleslaw on Twitch. And today, with me, of course, is my co-host, Mr. Miller. Mr. Miller. Alright. I got another surprise segment for you. Alright, yeah. This time it's gonna be a little different. So let me at least proceed with the title of the segment. It's called Real Game or BS. Okay. So here's the rules of the segment. I will say the title of a video game, and you must guess if it's a real game or bullshit. The rules are that the game must be on Steam. So if this game actually does exist, but it's not on Steam, it doesn't count. Sound good? Alright, we'll start with number one. Cucked by my wife. Real game. It is real. Hey! Yes. It is real and also holy crap, man.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

Previews are it's it's so disturbing how many of those uh the dating stems slash just straight up sex games are like bla just blast into the front page of uh Steam these days. No pun intended. Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_06 2:10

Hey man, follow the money, just shot all over your screen. Yeah, just you get a full facial of these things that just appear right on the top trending games, you know.

SPEAKER_02 2:21

Yeah, well, so before you continue on, I do have a fun fact about why that is. Oh, please do because um the like gaming industry in especially in like Japan and stuff, is so uh cutthroat, and all they really want to see is titles under your belt. A lot of these like burgeoning developers, even like like people who have decent titles on their belt, they'll crank these out because they're so easy to do and they make money. That all the corporations see is oh, this guy produces and his titles make money.

SPEAKER_06 3:05

Wow. I've I didn't expect to get a uh history lesson um uh from uh via cuck to buy my wife. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 3:14

I I was I I I I had a moment where I'm like, why is this? We can't be that sad and horny, although I think we are that absolutely sad that sad and horny. But that's the games they allow on there. Can you imagine the ones that get rejected? Oh, I know. Um, but yeah, that that is that is that is one of the major driving factors of it is it's just you just gotta have something in your portfolio.

SPEAKER_06 3:41

Wow, that totally makes sense. Oh well, I guess moving right along. Uh number two, dungeon randomizer simulator. Uh I'm gonna say real game. Survey shows? It is fake. I made that one up. Okay. There is no dungeon randomizer simulator, even though you'd think.

SPEAKER_02 4:09

Right?

SPEAKER_06 4:10

Yeah. I'm not sure what the simulator part of it would be. Are you simulating creating a randomizer for dungeon games?

SPEAKER_02 4:18

I mean, legitimately, there is a tabletop that is just a world-building tabletop where you like you like roll dice and draw cards and then have to like write the prompts. It's like apples to apples for building a DD campaign. Oh, that's cool. That's what I was thinking. I was like, that is exactly what a dungeon randomizer simulator would be.

SPEAKER_06 4:46

Oh, okay, makes sense. Right on. Number three, a turd's life. That has to be real. That is real. It is real. It is a game where you start uh as a flushed turd and then you um pretty much you just survive. It's you know, it's you know, it kind of reminds me a bit of those special levels on Sonic, the ones that have you're behind him, and it's you know, he's he's got like the half pipe, you know.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

Or yep. Uh oh, that makes sense. Okay, I know exactly what you're talking about, or like the earthworm gym level where you're on the uh the uh hover bike.

SPEAKER_06 5:25

Yes, yeah. Um both huge uh inspirations for a turd's life.

SPEAKER_02 5:32

Have you ever played toast game? No. You you are a piece of buttered toast, um, and it's a it's a platformer where you're trying to avoid getting eaten.

SPEAKER_06 5:47

Wow. Say less. I'm in. I'll even buy the I'll even buy the battle pass, let's go. Yeah. Okay, uh fourth! So so far you're uh two points. Two out of three points.

SPEAKER_04 6:02

Alright. Game number four. But two. B-U-T-T.

SPEAKER_06 6:10

And then the letter two. I'm sorry, the number two.

SPEAKER_04 6:13

Letters are numbers.

SPEAKER_06 6:15

Oh my god. But two. But two.

SPEAKER_02 6:21

I'm just gonna say I bet she was the first in the series. I'm gonna say it's real. It is fake.

SPEAKER_03 6:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 6:33

However, there is a game called But. Okay. You had it backwards. Uh yeah, there was uh there is a game just called But, but there was never a sequel to Butt. So Butt 2 isn't real.

SPEAKER_02 6:45

See, I I thought I thought they were pulling like a uh Hot Ones part two. Oh yeah. Hot Shots or Hot Ones. Hot Shots. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 6:56

Love that movie. Uh I gotta I gotta rewatch that movie. Hell yeah. With the Charlie Sheen? Hell yeah. Okay. Alright, here we go. Game number five. Sex with Hitler.

SPEAKER_02 7:11

It's a it's a it's another sex game. It has to be real.

SPEAKER_06 7:15

Survey says, yes, sex with Hitler is real. It's actually there's sequels to it as well. So, you know, do what you want with that information. I've already plagued my search history with it, so yeah, I'm already on whatever list exists. Probably in line to be the next president. I don't know. All right, so far you have four out of five points. And here comes the final one. Three. Sorry. One, two, three, four, five. Sorry, yeah. I can't count. My brain is not working today. Calling numbers, letters. Yeah. Okay, you have three out of five. All right, six and final game. Froggy style. I want to say it's real, but I'm gonna say that one's fake. Hey, it is fake. There is no froggy style. Wow, you're good at this. Well, there we go. Uh, final score, actually, four out of six. You get a passing grade, and you win the real game or BS segment. Congratulations. How do you go?

SPEAKER_02 8:25

Yeah, yeah. I'm going to Disneyland.

SPEAKER_06 8:29

Yes, you are with your sex with Hitler shirt and merch. Oh, yeah. So, all right. What's new in the land of Super Garbage Day Incorporated? Well, we're just chugging along. Really there's nothing to update. Same as last week. I'm still playing Sega Master System games. I'm still on Fantasy Star. And um, that's about it. Yeah, I'm just uh having a good old time. Weather's getting better. Um, yeah, nothing, nothing new to report, actually. What about you?

SPEAKER_02 8:56

Um I'm fully unemployed. Yeah, that sucks. But you know, uh things are things are looking up. I'm at least getting some recommendations for jobs. So looking for that next movie gig.

SPEAKER_06 9:15

Which will come your way. I believe in it. And I think it'll be even bigger and better and uncut. So I was I was debating putting in like a really like tacky sound effect when you say, well, I'm fully unemployed, like so, but it would okay. I'm doing it. I'm doing it, but I'm leaving this part in so people don't think I'm a fucking dick. So it'd be even funnier if I used just that sound bit of me using uh making that sound effect with my mouth.

SPEAKER_03 9:53

You you should let Sarantino those.

SPEAKER_06 9:56

Oh inception two. Okay. Well, there that's all, everybody. Let's move on to the retro question of the week. This week's question comes from Mast Keaton again. He's on a roll, and they asks, What is one of the weirdest premises that works? He also continues saying, Gonna start with Katamari Damasi. The game of ball rolling and collecting shouldn't have been as addictive as it was. That game's a banger, man. That game's like Zen. You just you just chill.

SPEAKER_02 10:34

It has such a killer soundtrack, too.

SPEAKER_06 10:38

It's got such a aura, you know. I guess am I using that correctly?

SPEAKER_02 10:44

It is aura farming to the max.

SPEAKER_06 10:46

Oh, dude, hell yeah. It's bass maxing for sure.

SPEAKER_02 10:49

Well, or aura maxing, I think they they call it now. Or aura farming. I was going full hank on that game.

SPEAKER_06 10:57

When I first played it. But yeah, that's a it's a great game. I remember first time I played it, I was very like, I was like, damn, this is I love this. I love the wackiness of it. It feels extremely Japanese, and also I'm just collecting things. It's getting big. It was like hitting all the right things in my head for my dopamine to be like, no, this is good.

SPEAKER_05 11:16

Keep going, keep going, Brad.

SPEAKER_06 11:18

This is good.

SPEAKER_02 11:19

Especially when it was just like da in the background, you're like, you just can't not be happy playing that.

SPEAKER_06 11:29

That game was never gonna fail. It was it was destined. Alright, moving right along, floor floor, Florida's best Keith, uh, Stutter Town, population me, adds Seaman. Talk to C-Man, guide Seaman, love seamen. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, it is probably the weirdest game ever released, right? Like with the fucking game. Yeah, on Dreamcast. It came with uh a microphone attachment that was only used for this game. And you talk to these little fish that have like uh Japanese faces of like human Japanese faces, and um you just raise them and yeah, it's super weird. It's called Seaman. I also owned that game back in the day, and I was like, oh yeah, it's cool. I totally bought into the weird like promo, and then I bought it and I played it for like a week, and I was like, what the fuck is this? Like I'm gonna go buy a goldfish. I um yeah, that is it has to be the weirdest game ever made. Only because it came with the peripheral.

SPEAKER_02 12:45

Right, it was like it was it was it not wasn't a launch title, too.

SPEAKER_06 12:49

I don't think it was a launch title, at least not in America. I don't I'm not entirely sure, but um quick goog, yeah. Goog it up.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

And uh no, it was not, though it was one of its most famous titles. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_06 13:12

Wow, what a failed console that was! Good lord. I love the dreamcast, but man, when that was one of the most famous titles.

SPEAKER_02 13:19

I guess I guess it was like infamous more than anything, but well the I mean the honestly, the problem with the Dreamcast is they they shot too far because no one knew how to develop for it. Yeah, it was it was it was a little beyond what was popular at the time. I I didn't they do that with the Saturn too, though? That was the same problem they had with Saturn. Sega was like they're like, okay, we can't be beat with our uh consoles by Nintendo again.

SPEAKER_06 13:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:58

There's gonna be the back, there's always the back and forth, but the the SNES was the better system.

SPEAKER_06 14:04

Absolutely. But you know, uh Genesis was just such its own thing. So yeah, they were really trying. They did the whole Frankenstein buy, you know, keep adding attachments to it, trying to keep it alive without just creating a new system. By the time they got around to creating a new system, they made it way too hard to develop for.

SPEAKER_02 14:24

It was always funny when you you go over to the the Genesis kid's house, and he's got that monstrous tower. Uh yeah, the tower of power.

SPEAKER_06 14:34

Yeah. But and every single peripheral on it has to have its own gigantic like wall plug.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

Oh, yeah, yeah. You're you're literally about to blow your uh um entire power grid just to to turn that thing on.

SPEAKER_06 14:50

Yeah, and then you're just playing like a shitty version of Doom.

SPEAKER_02 14:55

Like, but I gotta play PC games on it.

SPEAKER_06 14:57

I swear it's cool. Yeah, here's here's like a here's a version of Doom that actually is worse, but uh than the Super Nintendo one. They tried though, bro. You gotta give them their fucking flowers and like them just like really shooting for the fucking moon on everything. I mean, if any of that shit would have hit, we would have been seeing all kinds of word 32x style things to this day. So but they tried.

SPEAKER_02 15:23

I I have an old man corner question before we get on to the next one. Yeah, sure. Where did giving things their flowers spawn from? Because it's been popping up in my zeitgeist all over the place, and I'm like, where did this term come from? Like, I understand it, but who coined it? What where did it start?

SPEAKER_06 15:45

I've I came across the term probably in the last year, year and a half, primarily in discussions about old hip-hop artists finally getting respect. Oh, okay. By like new artists, maybe like like sh putting them on or saying, like, oh, this person does a huge influence, you know, things like that. So that's why I've heard the term getting getting their flowers is like showing them like respect uh posthumorously.

SPEAKER_02 16:11

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_06 16:12

Maybe not dead, but you know what I mean. Um, I think that's a little bit of what it means.

SPEAKER_02 16:17

I uh no, I don't even know I told me where I got it from. But yeah, I had a feeling it was like hip-hop related, and that would make sense why I'm just like, what what does this mean? We don't give things flowers when they die, we just kind of piss on their grave.

SPEAKER_06 16:34

I've heard it before uh used uh in in discussions on like NBA players who weren't like super famous but were actually really good, and so I've heard it used in different different realms.

SPEAKER_02 16:45

NBA and anything sports related is usually uh a a little bit um uh hip hop and RB adjacent. Yeah, for sure. Are you just trying to say black? No, Larry Bird needs his flowers. Larry Bird got the all his flowers, bro. He was on like six games. I was just trying to think of any a white basketball player. Okay, I don't do sports.

SPEAKER_06 17:09

Uh Johnes uh Stevenson. That guy, he needs his flowers. Old Mayo Stevenson, man.

SPEAKER_02 17:20

Hank Parker deserves his flowers. Hank Parker definitely deserves his fucking flowers.

SPEAKER_06 17:26

God, is he alive? I hope he's alive. Last time I checked, it was like it always gets worse every time I check. I'm like, hey, I wonder how Hank Parker's doing. It's like he's double amputee now. Uh fucking let's see. Please don't be dead yet, Hank Parker. We're gonna do a celebration for you. He is 73 years old. 13 grandchildren. Wow. 13, yeah. His kids be pumping him out. Yeah, well, his son, one of his sons a NASCAR driver. So okay. Yeah, there you go. Hank Parker. Still got Hank Parker.com, still has an answer to my email asking him to sign my thing because he was in a coma from a from apparently a four by four accident, but that's no excuse, Hank Parker. Sign my copy of Bass's Black Bass, god damn it. I will come to you for it. I won't grab your hand while you're in a coma and make you sign it like I'm some shitty insurance agent and get you to sign off of not suing us.

SPEAKER_05 18:29

And then I won't tell anybody either. I'll sneak in there like in a really shitty doctor outfit.

SPEAKER_02 18:35

Like you're serving him papers, like from spirit.

SPEAKER_05 18:38

You're like, let me go check in on Mr. Parker here. And they're like, Why are you holding a Super Nintendo cartridge? I'm like, it's really on a need-to-know basis.

SPEAKER_06 18:45

That's my doctor voice, by the way. I think he's doing all right. I'm gonna send him another email. I'm gonna leave that tab up, HankPraker.com. So this is the most we've talked about basses black bass a long time. But Hank Parker, I will get your signature. It's because I'm back, baby. Yeah, you bring you bring the bass maxim for sure. Okay, what the fuck were we talking about? Oh, yeah, okay. Weird games that worked. Okay, game time also adds, says, My newest obsession, Monster Rancher Hop About, a super monkey ball style game where you navigate difficult platforming with one of four monster rancher characters on a seemingly uncontrollable pogo stick that never stops pogoing.

SPEAKER_02 19:32

Wow. All right, that sounds interesting. I'm I'm I'm vaguely familiar with the monster rancher games.

SPEAKER_06 19:40

I love the ones on um, I think it was PlayStation 1 or 2, but because you can just pop in CDs and it just makes a monster. Oh, that's kind of cool. Yeah, I think we played one of those games on the show. At least at least for like a super garbage bowl or something.

SPEAKER_02 19:56

It might have been with uh um Van Fernel.

SPEAKER_06 20:00

No, I don't think it was ever an episode, I think it was just part of some kind of special event. It might have been like a 12 minutes of Christmas or something, but yeah. Some event I never finished, you know. You know how it is. Firefighter just posted a picture saying, and it's just a picture of evil wizard Mickey Mouse. Uh I so I assume like Epic Mickey? I don't know. Maybe he was replying to somebody else's statement. Oh, you made it into the show. There, that's your answer. Evil wizard Mickey Mouse picture.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

Yeah, it's a little off, right? No, no, no, no, no. That's that that is from um the uh Kingdom Hearts series, and that is a concept that should not have worked and is huge.

SPEAKER_06 20:46

Okay, I see now. So actually, it's genius, it's a genius answer. It's uh I'm an asshole. I'm an idiot.

unknown 20:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 20:56

Well, bravo. That game series is like Final Fantasy is convoluted, and then they just they just they they ripped some fat lines and just said, let's go.

SPEAKER_06 21:09

Yes, they went hard on the fucking premises there on that on that series, which I did not like, not a fan of that series, but whatever, you know, uh a hat for every head, I guess. All right, Mr. Miller, it's your turn to answer. What is one of the weirdest game premises that just works?

SPEAKER_03 21:26

Papers, please.

SPEAKER_06 21:28

Oh, dude, I haven't even I haven't thought of that game in a long time.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

It is there, it should not be as addictive as it is. I should not clock out of work, go home, turn on my PC, and say, time to process papers in a uh communist state. Let's go.

SPEAKER_06 21:51

Clocking in to something you don't even get paid for. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, that game is that game is uh freaks me out, man. There's like a new version, or I think something not made by the same people, but something inspired by it. What's like the um like is you're reviewing people who may have been bitten by zombies or not, and then it's all like 3D. I hear it's really, really fun.

SPEAKER_02 22:13

That sounds interesting.

SPEAKER_06 22:15

Yeah, you have to scan them with like UV things, and you can like check their belongings and you like take their temperature and all this stuff. And if if you think they're infected, you just straight up just put a gun to their forehead and shoot them.

SPEAKER_05 22:27

Wow. Yeah. Uh is it called no know I'm not a human? I have no thing. No, I think it's like one word, like not quarantine, but something like that. I can't remember, but yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:44

That sounds interesting.

SPEAKER_06 22:46

Yeah, it's really funny though. It's a it's a very it's a it's a humorous game, but like you can accidentally let them because once they're in, you put them into like a quarantine like area, but if they actually are infected, they just start fucking going nuts and start ripping the other people apart and screaming and shit. You have to like wipe them all out. Nice, or they can actually get and they can break through that, and then all of a sudden they're biting all the soldiers, and now the soldiers have guns or are zombies. It's actually a pretty cool premise, but you know, don't know the name of it. So just good luck, everybody. Alright. My answer to this is Vampire Survivors because everything about that game it's it's one of the least marketable things initially. You look at the graphics and it looks like those shitty like cell phone shovelware, like waste your time and just buy you know coins or whatever and play click, you know, the screen. Um there's initially when it was released, there was no vampires in it. So there's no vampires in it. You don't and the way you describe it to somebody is oh yeah, you you don't even really attack, you just you just move around and you just don't really do anything. You just you just move around and collect stuff and and then you win. You get to a point where you don't even have to touch the controller anymore or the keyboard, you just sit there and you win. And yet it is one of the most addictive, amazing, also really inexpensive. It's always been like$4.99. To me, it was Vampire Survivors. That premise it also another game though, where like the music and just everything about it just fits perfectly. The atmosphere, it it's addictive as fuck, and it's also not trying to get you for every dollar with any microtransactions or any of that shit. So yeah, that's my answer. It shouldn't have worked, and not only did it work, but it worked in droves.

SPEAKER_02 24:38

So yeah, that was like that was a huge COVID game. Yeah, I remember that. That's when I started playing it. That's like everyone was playing that.

SPEAKER_06 24:49

Because it's so exciting, all you have to do is play it a couple times and then you're in. It kind of seems like the video lottery of Steam games.

SPEAKER_02 24:57

I I did find this uh this zombie inspection game. Okay, what's it called? It is called Quarantine Zone. That's it, it's quarantine zone. That's 100%. It's by it's by Devolver, which they they do amazing games. They got they also have a bunch of really weird games that shouldn't work. Well, what's what other games have they have they done? Cult of the Lamb. Oh, yeah, that's huge. Um they also did the uh uh Hotline Miami.

SPEAKER_06 25:33

I love that game. I have that on Switch of the collection. Dude, that game is so fucking fun, but it makes me feel so terrible.

SPEAKER_02 25:40

Yeah, there's also there's also another one. Um, it's like all uh like old school pixel art. Like, think if the Atari kept evolving the way it did.

SPEAKER_06 25:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 25:58

Um, they they did uh Enter the Gungeon. I love that game too. Wow. Yeah, they didn't enter the gungeon. They did they they have a lot of stuff. Ape out, that's the one I'm thinking of, where you're a vaguely gorilla-looking sprite escaping a uh testing facility, and you just you just tear scientists and guards apart.

SPEAKER_06 26:20

Well, now I really want to play it. All right, and that's say no more, dude. Now I really really want to try it. Yeah, no, they're they're they're they're solid. Awesome. Well, there you go. Not a not a sponsor, but you know quarantine zone. The last check. Check the last check it out on whatever the fuck you have. Check, check, check, check, check it out. All right, now it's time to talk about this week's game, and that game is, of course, Max Payne on the PC, Xbox, and PS2. Let's go. Max Payne is a 2001 third-person shooter game developed by Remedy Entertainment, who are like goats. It was originally released for Windows by gathering of developers in July 2001, right before the thing, the big thing hit. The game centers on former New York police department detective Max Payne, who attempts to solve the murder of his family while investigating a mysterious new designer drug called Valkyre. While doing so, Max becomes entangled in a large and complex conspiracy involving a major pharmaceutical company, well, organized crime, a secret society, and the United States Armed Forces. No way! The game features a the game features a gritty neo-noir style that uses graphic novel panels with voiceovers as its primary means of storytelling, drawing inspirations from hard-boiled detective novels by authors like Mickey Spillane. I don't know. It contains many uh allusions to Norse mythology, particularly with the myth of Ragnarok and several names. The gameplay is heavily influenced by the Hong Kong action genera, uh cinema genre. Genera, particularly the work of John Woo, and it was the first game to feature bullet time effective the fucking shit. And it was the first game to feature the bullet time effect that was popularized by the movie The Matrix that came out in 1999.

SPEAKER_05 28:24

God damn.

SPEAKER_03 28:27

God damn listening to you devolve.

SPEAKER_05 28:29

I know, yeah. This is a taste of burger. All right, let's move on to first impressions.

SPEAKER_06 28:42

Okay, so I actually remember I bought this game when it first came out. When I was really hyped on it because uh, as you know, everybody loved The Matrix. And and I remember, oh bro, this game looks like this. Is actually one of the games I think kind of put Rockstar on the map. Um oh for oh for sure, for sure, right?

SPEAKER_02 29:02

Like them and definitely remedy, but they they already had um the top-down GTAs, and those were fine, they were fun, but they were they you know they didn't become the household name that they are today because of their old GTAs.

SPEAKER_06 29:20

Right, it was part three. That was that was the big paradigm shift, yeah. Yeah, I remember buying this game, owning it, and like absolutely being obsessed with it when I first played it. I thought, like, oh my god, this is so cool and gritty, and oh, and at the time I was a little bit obsessed with not just um you know the Matrix, but like I was kind of dipping my toes into John Woo films because I always loved like martial art films from the 70s and 80s, and then of course I was all about Tarantino just came out and he started pumping out stuff. So like I was at a good prime age right there to really absorb something like Max Payne, which and my first time playing it, I was like, oh my god, dude, this is there's nothing like this. It really felt like an entirely new level of gaming at at the time, and um, yeah, I was I I just had to get the story of my first impressions back then. My first impression now, um, it's you know, it's it's aged, it's pretty old. Um it still has its flair and its style, and you know, it's got the really bizarre looking, you know, where they just took the the photo and just wrapped it around the the texture, or I think it's like texture mapping, but it still kind of works. I don't know if it's just me getting older, but I'm like, this would this could work if this came out like this these days. I can see it still being because it's so stylized, and it's has such incredible voice acting that and sound design that I could still see it working, and so that was my first impression was like, oh yeah, obviously it's I doesn't it's not flooring me like it did the first time I played it, but it's alright, it's it's it's working. I'm not like oh god, this is fucking terrible, like playing some you know N64 game that I used to obsess over, or like Twisted Metal 1. I tried to go back to that and I was like, Good god, I can't do this. Fucking Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_02 31:11

But uh Twisted Metal One is so ugly to look at now, it's so rough, it's so rough, and it was so cool when it came out.

SPEAKER_06 31:18

Now I'm like, good, it's like a fucking like a salad bar of just fucking broken pixels and jittery textures, anyways. So that's that's my first impression of Twisted Metal 1. What what do you think of Max Man?

SPEAKER_03 31:32

First impressions of Twisted Metal 1.

SPEAKER_02 31:37

First impressions, I I'm I'm in the same boat. Um I I never owned this game, but I had a buddy who had it on PC. And so you know, we'd we'd play it like when we're waiting for like other people to be able to go terrorize a town on our skateboards. Um and it was it was one of those like, oh, I get to be in the matrix kind of experiences. Like everyone was obsessed with that movie. Um and you know, the at the time the graphics were amazing. Uh although this is like just was this just before or right when Jackass started.

SPEAKER_06 32:27

This was right around the time that it was it was Jackass was in its prime.

SPEAKER_02 32:32

Yeah, it came out in it came out in 2000. So yeah, we we always we always laughed where it's just like it's just Johnny Knoxville. Stop and cry. It does look like Johnny Knoxville. It looks it looks exactly like him. That's funny. And like when because it's so funny, like just looking at like how he dresses too. It's like I know they're going for like edgy cop, but I'm like, no edgy cop wears leopard print vest. That's a Johnny Knoxville.

SPEAKER_06 33:01

Hey brother, it's 2001.

SPEAKER_02 33:03

Come on. That is an asshole. And he and he knows he's an asshole. I'm gonna start wearing that, just leopard print vest. Where he's like, I just I got my black duster and my leopard print on. I'm ready to party.

SPEAKER_06 33:24

He does look like Johnny Knoxville. Holy shit.

SPEAKER_02 33:28

I was like, I never thought that. I'm surprised you didn't put that together uh until now.

SPEAKER_06 33:34

I wonder if there's like a mod, because I know this game has shitloads of mods, and there's just like a jackass mod which just plays the music anytime you get in a fight.

SPEAKER_02 33:41

I'm Johnny Knoxville, and we're about to kill so many people.

SPEAKER_06 33:48

Anytime you get into a gunfight, it he says that, and then it just plays a near that'd be dope. But yeah, it's oh that's so fucking funny, dude. Um all right, well, let's talk about gameplay since we've touched on it. If you don't know, this is a I mean, this is a pretty famous game, but if not, you know, it's an action shooter, third person, uh, very heavily story-driven, uh, very adult themes. And you are a detective who uh pretty much like loses his family to druggies, and he goes on pretty much like uh pretty much just turns into the Punisher, except for you know, not cops until I guess later on. But yeah, and you uh you go through the levels, they're all they're all done in chapters, and there's three chapters with a bunch of different acts, or there's three acts and a bunch of chapters, actually. I'm sorry, I had that backwards. And it's telling the story, but the primary focus of the game, it's it's very linear. You start at a level, you go through, you shoot the shit out of people in a very stylized manner, you have a huge arsenal of weapons ranging from just you know berettas all the way up to uh shotguns to sniper rifles to grenades, molotops. Um, I like those Uzies, those are my favorite. I can't think of the name of them there. They Ingrams. Yeah, the Ingrams, the Ingrams are fine. And uh, you know, even without its biggest gimmick, it would actually probably be a solid shooter. Just it would be still a great game. But its biggest draw was bullet time, which is you have the ability to slow down time and shoot a la the matrix. But you also can dive certain directions in a very cinematic action, you know, movie style. And they really did a great job with it. I mean, this this game is what made bullet time famous. Um, it set you know a precedent for this being used in every game, probably to this day. Fucking I mean, Fallout, right? And I know and I'm talking about the 3D fallouts, but you know, there's like there's so much in this game that is is really where it began, and bullet time is definitely it.

SPEAKER_02 36:13

Yeah, because it would it it would it would it would even without using the bullet time, it would pull you into bullet time events when you killed somebody, or like if it's like the last guy in the room, it'd be like the last bullet you shoot just like magically finds its way to the dude's head or something, right?

SPEAKER_06 36:31

And also what's interesting is all the bullets in the game are actually their own um what's the word I'm looking for? They're their own sprites, sprites. Well, they're yeah, they're they're actually um they're objects in the world, yeah. So that's what actually adds to its realism and making it feel like it's fucking it's great, it feels great when you're just blasting and you're actually seeing every individual bullet come out of the gun, aiming exactly what you want, and they can and even if it hits things in the background, it causes damage on the wall, like realistic bullet holes, and the physics in the game, even though there's a lot of shitty physics in this game, okay? A lot of shitty physics, the bullets and the bullet time physics are fantastic. So, and it's really what the big draw of the game is.

SPEAKER_02 37:19

The fact that um like chunks of things will hurt people, yeah, it'll cause damage. Like if you it yeah, if you blow up a wall, the you know, the bits of the wall will take guys out. Um and like you know, shooting up a desk, you you could not hit the dude and he'd just die because of uh how much wood is in him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is really impressive for a game at its time. Also, it was probably one of the biggest uh bars of entry for early adopters because you needed a beast of a machine to play this game back then.

SPEAKER_06 38:00

Yeah, it was very uh and it was funny as too, it came out on the Xbox and the PS2, but those versions are definitely more downskilled. And they they came out much later, too. Yeah, because this game was as you yeah, it was it was the game to show people when you bought your new rig, right?

SPEAKER_02 38:17

That for the time period, it was definitely one of those I was like, hey, check out this awesome game. This is why PC is cool.

SPEAKER_06 38:24

And what's cool is this game really it's its elevator pitch is you know, be in an action gun movie, and it absolutely does that. Every time you go into a fight, you know, you kick the door in, or you hear them talking, or whatever, you initiate the fight, and you just kind of decide well how you want to go about it. You got to take them out, you want to dive in straight, you want to just run in and not bullet time and just try to just empty the clips in the room, just spraying them around randomly. Do you want to go and try to hit them one by one and take cover behind things or dive under tables, over tables to the side? For the time period, no other game felt like this. This was yeah, incredible.

SPEAKER_02 39:02

There is um there's one mission late, like uh, I want to say it's like just after the middle of the second act, or something, anyways. You get you actually get taken captive. Oh, with the Valkyrie when you get drugged, yeah, and you wait when you do finally finish the garbage Valkyrie sequences, which I will have more to say about those later.

SPEAKER_06 39:29

Agreed.

SPEAKER_02 39:30

Um, you uh the only thing you have is a baseball bat, and you have to completely change how you play the game. Um because you're so gun reliant in this game. Melee is an option, but it's not a good one.

SPEAKER_06 39:47

You know what? I I know what you're talking about. It's not the Valkyrie part because that happens later on. It's when you get captured. I mean, they you get I think the it's not the drug part, it's just like you you're getting beat up by the baseball gat guy.

SPEAKER_02 39:59

It's after the first hallution sequence, though. Yes.

SPEAKER_06 40:02

Yeah, where you're tied up in the chair and they start doing yeah, yep. Yeah, I got I know what you mean. Got a fucking dream sequence. Um, anyways, continue.

SPEAKER_02 40:11

But yeah, then you know you get the baseball bat, and you gotta come around, and there's just uh hallways full of dudes, and you have to slowly kill them until you get enough firepower to take on the like agents because there's those those suited guys that always have ingrams or really powerful shotguns or something, yeah, and they just rip you apart. So it's like you really gotta play smart. Whereas before then, you could pretty much just run and gun and be okay. That's true.

SPEAKER_06 40:43

The first the first act of the game almost feels too easy, and then and also a little boring. Uh, not I mean, once you get past the first gimmick of the shooting and everything, and then you're like, oh no, is it really just gonna be like this rest of the game? But no, the the game does spice it up a little bit more and it incorporates some platforming and then some you know increases the weapons and you know uh the enemy types and everything. But that first there's definitely a sp uh a moment in the game when you're like, oh now this shit is impossibly hard. Like, what the fuck happened here?

SPEAKER_02 41:17

And it happens a couple times because you ended up playing it on the PS2. You played it on the PS2 version, which uh is uh regarded as the worst port. Um I played it on the PC version. I actually managed to get mine to run without modding it, so I had the base experience, um, which I kind of liked because there is a mechanic in this as well that was also pretty revolutionary. Um, it was like the first introduction of true difficulty scaling. So even though it forces you to choose the easiest difficulty, if you're just ripping through guys, it's gonna bump you up to the higher difficulties. Um, the only issue is because this was like the first time it's really been done, you could get hard locked into those harder difficulties. And when you know you're just dying over and over again and it won't bump you back down.

SPEAKER_06 42:19

You know, I'm surprised they even offered the the different difficulty levels. They you only start at the lowest one, they allow you to start like fugitive. But I'm like, if that was the case, then they should just had zero difficulty and had that as like a big selling factor to being like the game, but obviously it doesn't it doesn't rubber back down back down to you sucking, it just stays at that level the rest of the fucking game.

SPEAKER_02 42:40

You know, it it this was before like the Souls likes really took off, and even nowadays that's like a big uh the uh deterrent for a lot of people who aren't into that, uh, where it's just like no, this game is hard. Um and so you know, yeah, I I understand why they would have difficulty selectors because if you're you know questioning your gaming abilities, you might never pick this up if you it's just all like this is a hard, gonna test your metal shooter.

SPEAKER_06 43:15

No, you're right. That wouldn't have worked in their favor marketing-wise.

SPEAKER_02 43:18

Although there's tons of games that say they're hard test your metal shooters, and I'm like, this is baby stuff. You like little baby men. You like vodka? Because we're russians now. I only I only eat my I only drink my vodka court out of raw turnips and potatoes.

SPEAKER_06 43:38

I smoke my bottle with oh god. I mean it's turning it's turning into Indian every time. I start Russian, and then it's like hello, my friend.

SPEAKER_02 43:49

You know, I just never you know, and then you're like a bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bingo bing. You want the vodka?

SPEAKER_06 44:04

But yeah, the game it's you know one of the problems with the game too is that the physics are pretty fucking wacky in some instances, and um and the platforming is just complete garbage, and they really they emphasize it in some part some certain levels that even makes it way worse.

SPEAKER_02 44:22

But I have a big beef with shoehorning platforming into um genres it doesn't belong in.

SPEAKER_06 44:31

This game is famously known for that with the stupid fucking dream sequence with running on the bloody veins.

SPEAKER_02 44:39

This is I'm just gonna I'm just gonna jump into it. This is why I'm docking this game so many points. Um, before we even get to the review. I could not finish it because of the second dream sequence. Oh, after the Valkyrie, you get poisoned, and then you're when when you get where where you know you the phone keeps ringing and you're running through, and it's just like you're in a video game, Max.

SPEAKER_06 45:03

Yeah, and it starts breaking the fourth wall, and it's like you're reading a comic panel, and you're like you're you're holding a phone in your head, but it's actually your gun, and yeah, and then it turns into your gun.

SPEAKER_02 45:12

Yeah. Well, you continue running, and you yeah, you know, you hear your kid and your wife screaming in the background, and there is those stupid either blood trails or brain synapses, whatever they're supposed to be.

SPEAKER_06 45:30

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 45:32

Yeah, it's it's I mean, I definitely was looking at it and I was like, that could be a neuron. Because you know, they end in those the spider spider rubby clusters, yeah. But anyways, I had a game-breaking bug in mine where it was basically little walls over my feet that permitted for prevented me from gaining any altitude when I jumped. Oh wow, and so I just could not make the jumps across those little pads. It's like I knew where I needed to go. I I had found the end because it only happens sometimes, right? But if it does, then you just die. And the only way I could even get as far as I did was to just constantly jump. But then because it's so floaty, it's so hard to land perfectly back on one of those little tiny platforms, and and then even then you have a chance of slipping underneath that stupid invisible wall where like I just needed a console command to like unstuck me or something, but I got so frustrated that I'm like, okay, if if if I was just playing this for the first time and having you know lesser gaming skills, I I would have thrown this disc away.

SPEAKER_06 46:57

Yeah, that part's that part's fucking hard even without the game breaking glitch in it. Because yeah, I got to that part too, and I was I was uh but the the I think they corrected it on the PS2 one, but it's still incredibly janky and and it it's just a stupid sequence, and nobody likes it. Yeah, just the idea of it.

SPEAKER_02 47:19

I I was I was I was I was wondering if maybe going through and doing the patch, but we were getting so close to review time anyways, and it was so far in the game that I'm just like I have enough to go off of. I'm not I'm not I'm not doing this, but you're definitely getting some big knocks because that's just unacceptable.

SPEAKER_06 47:36

Well, also, this game is practically unplayable on the PC if you buy it right now. Like I purchased it on Steam and it was locking up in the second stage. I even applied like a I went through the the community and found like these patches and mods, and it's done the same shit, it even made it fucking worse. Now all of a sudden I had an exclamation point above my head the entire time I'm playing, and it's still locked up at the second level. Yeah, so I was like, fuck this shit. I'm just gonna I went to my retro game store and I'm like, yeah, max pain. They said no. I said, eat my ass. No, I said okay, thank you. I'll talk to you guys later. And I just decided to hit the high C's and got the PS2 version of it. And it worked, but it's oh my god, it's like it's different because I played enough of the PC one initially, or at least to the the end of the second level where it locked up every time, um, to see that I was like, wow, these these levels are designed differently between these games. Like, there are so many more like loading scenes in the PS2 version where they just like break the large level up into smaller little areas, yeah. Because then I can tell they weren't able to actually put the whole game on the system the way it was it was on the its PC counterpart.

SPEAKER_02 48:47

They had to they had to cut out a lot of material too. Yeah, like there aren't there aren't as many uh enemies, the levels aren't as the the there it is much more on Rails because there are in the PC version it's it's a little more open to like figuring out your own way to go through it, yeah. Um but from what I've seen of the console versions, they had to really chop it down.

SPEAKER_06 49:14

Yeah, and one of my complaints was I was like, why there's just all the enemies are like the same enemy, like they only have three enemy types per level.

SPEAKER_02 49:23

Oh, yeah, and you don't you don't get as many of the voices either.

SPEAKER_06 49:26

No, it's always the same, like it's brain, and like get him, you know.

SPEAKER_02 49:32

Yeah, it's like they hired one dude is just like, all right, now sound like you're a big fat guy. From from Brooklyn, yeah, yeah. He's the worst hoogie I've ever had. It's like now you're a mousy guy from the Bronx.

SPEAKER_06 49:48

Okay, I'm getting worse and worse. Go get the guy. No, um, yeah, it's it's it, and I noticed that there's it's a much worse version, obviously. It's the the the everything's there that you need in order to get the max pain experience, but you're definitely getting the shittier version of the max pain experience playing the PS2.

SPEAKER_02 50:11

Um, but yeah, I mean that's a perfect segue into graphics and audio.

SPEAKER_06 50:23

Yeah, which is probably one of the best parts of the game, is the fact that it's such a gritty film noir, heavy adult theme like experience that it like weighs it it's wearing its comic book and its action movie influences on both sleeves, but it's doing it well and creating its own uh atmosphere. Like the sound design's great, the voice actor is fantastic. Um he uh he actually also voiced Alex Wake, and he was also the the voice the brother in control. So he was like he was a part of all the remedy games. Um, unfortunately, he passed away of cancer um two years ago, though. So his yeah, I heard about that. Yeah, it's a big bummer because he was this, you know, everybody everybody knew his his Max Payne voice, right? What's funny though is that the guy who played his Max Payne, Johnny Knoxville, he was like the head developer, and they just used him because they didn't have the biggest budget to like hire actors or anything. So they used him, and then his mom came in and she's the main villain. So it's like there's scenes where he's like pointing a gun and his mom, and they're just pointing a gun at each other, but it's like actually his mom. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 51:41

Yeah. But iconic voice, you know. It's it's it's really good. He has that that that grizzled cop, but still like charming. Yeah. If I was to recast the movie, which I would like to talk about. Oh god. Um, if we couldn't get Johnny Knoxville to do it, um, like a prime Bruce Willis would have been a great choice.

SPEAKER_06 52:10

Yeah, he would have been a great um almost said Johnny Knoxville. He would have been a great Max Payne. Yeah, not fucking Mark Wahlberg. What what why? Oh well there was a whole run of movies back then I just couldn't understand what the fuck they were doing. Like Blood Rain. We we will talk about that film, yeah. My goodness. Also, like way too late. Like, why nobody cares?

SPEAKER_02 52:34

Yeah. Well, they are rebooting it, but this wasn't even like the reboot is was a remaster wasn't even on the books yet.

SPEAKER_06 52:42

Which I'm extremely excited about because I I love to see this game in a new like a new um uh system and like uh it engine, yeah, just polish up, polish it up a bit. Yeah, and I mean it's already there, so they don't need to do much other than just make it more obviously less janky and get rid of those fucking stupid veiny brain levels, but yeah.

SPEAKER_02 53:07

They um or like get rid of the platforming and make it more puzzle-based or something like well if if you look at control, control is uh very max pain-ish, like it almost feels like uh spiritual successor. But you but you can fly in control, that's true. So like you can just get rid of all the bullshit because you could fly.

SPEAKER_06 53:34

Fair point. But um, yeah, I I think that it's it's atmosphere, it's graphically, obviously, it's it's a product of its time, but they did a great job. Um, it looks grimy, it looks like you know late 90s, early 2000s, New York. It's got great sound design, all the bullets, everything. Um, even like the slowing down and bullet time is an iconic noise. You know, there's so much there's so many things in this game that are really, really iconic for lack of a better word.

SPEAKER_02 54:06

The the gun, the gun sounds are top tier. Yeah, they're fantastic. Like every gun sounds different and sounds like it should, if not exactly, because I'm sure there's gun nuts out there that'll be like, actually, but it's like you know, this one obviously fires a higher caliber than this one, and like the shotguns don't all sound the same because they have different barrel lengths, and it's uh they they did a really good job with that, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 54:40

And then you know, the other enemies' voices that are all just Brooklyn guys, like wise guys.

SPEAKER_02 54:47

I'm not gonna do the voice again. It is really funny to just be like, hey, Tony, you you still seeing that hot damage like quiet guys, we gotta look out for pain. Pain ain't coming over here, man. I don't know, boss. I heard that pain was seen in the floor, but what was that sound?

SPEAKER_03 55:06

Oh my god, it's pain!

SPEAKER_06 55:09

Or just like all the all the bosses are just the most stereotypical mafioso Italian guys ever. Just yeah, Johnny Petronelli and you know Jimmy Cannoli, Luigi Tutos. It's like Payne, what you doing here, man? I can't do the voice. I'm sorry, I'm I'm struggling, man. I'm gonna fall back into IT Indian.

SPEAKER_02 55:34

But yeah. We're sorry we're not able to connect you to your drug dealer at this time. It is pain. He's currently occupied, he is currently occupied fighting Max Pain.

SPEAKER_06 55:44

It's it's pain, my friends. It's pain. I don't know if this is racist, but I don't know. Okay, so it's uh yeah, it's it's great. It's atmosphere, its sound design is fucking phenomenal. I don't really have a lot of knocks against it except for it hasn't aged really well with the comic book parts because now it just looks like a filter was applied over some you know it. But at the time it was way fucking cool, but now it it's it looks kind of cheesy, and I'm like, why didn't they just draw it? But I guess they didn't have the budget for that. And and I can't also harp enough how much I fucking hate the design of the Valkyrie and like the bad nightmare dream sequences, they're just they're pointless, and those areas are ugly, and the fucking sound effect of the baby crying, it might be the might be worse than uh Super Mario World 2. I don't know, they're neck and neck.

SPEAKER_02 56:34

I will say it is not worse because it's only like two or three sections, whereas it's the entire goddamn game in Super Mario. That's true.

SPEAKER_06 56:43

Yoshi's Island, yeah. In in Yoshi's Island. Fair enough. Okay, it still takes first place, the most annoying baby noise. But I get it. It was their first thing. They were going hard in the paint, and they nailed it with the atmosphere, the story, the narrative, the everything. I mean, this game has a lot of fucking crazy shit in it. I mean, there's like underage girl prostitution rings, obviously, heavy drug abuse, there's implications of sexual assault, there's like uh trafficking, um, and in it, like as we said earlier in the description, you know, uh the government is I mean, the story is actually pretty fucking nuts.

SPEAKER_02 57:21

It's handled, it's handled in a very tasteful way. It's more blood in the gutters and less in your face about it. Like they don't, you don't ever actually see um any of the most horrible shit they're talking about, right? It's implied, and it's not heavy-handed, yeah. Yeah, which I I appreciate. That's uh that's good writing.

SPEAKER_06 57:45

Absolutely, and that's what this game's strong point is. It's it's actually it's great writing. And some of the shit there's a quote in there, I was like, ah, that's just so fucking cool. I like that quote. What do you say? I passed the I passed a line of of uh decency so far back that I don't even remember what it looked like when I when I I don't know, I'm just fucking butchered that line completely. It was you know, my friend, I passed no.

SPEAKER_02 58:12

Um we gotta we have so many mods. We need so many mods.

SPEAKER_06 58:20

We need the jackass mod, we need the IT tech mod. You know what? We didn't even talk about the fucking mods. This game had one of the funnest mods I've ever played in my life back in the day. It was called the Kung Fu mod. And what it did, and it sucks because I really wanted to play it. The whole reason I bought the game on on Steam was like, I'm gonna install the Kung Fu mod and like relive this glory again. But what it did, it added like like really theatrical jumping. You could run across walls and shoot in bullet time, you can do straight back flips while shooting, forward flips. But the coolest thing it added was that like it replaced the bat with like a bow staff, and you could do all the spinning, crazy taekwondo shit. And I couldn't play it because the fucking game doesn't work.

SPEAKER_02 59:03

It was like that Enter the Matrix game, uh, only only good.

SPEAKER_06 59:07

Correct. And still holds up, but it's like impossible to play. I you just gotta roll the dice, and hopefully the game will play. And because I tried the pirate version and and I bought the the version, the actual Steam version, and neither one fucking worked. So I had to play the PS2 one, which I now in retrospect I should have played the Xbox one, but oh okay.

SPEAKER_02 59:27

I I I got the quote that I think you were thinking of. Life is a broken mirror, and every time you pick up the pieces uh and try and put it back together, you cut yourself. It reshapes your image until you can't recognize yourself when you know exactly who you are.

SPEAKER_06 59:47

No, that was pretty good. No, that was a good one. So collecting evidence has gotten old a few hundred bullets back. I was already so far past the point of no return, I couldn't even remember what it looked like when I passed it. Oh, yeah, that was a good one. Yeah. By the way, um, I played all three of these games. I wasn't the biggest fan of part two, and I fucking adore the third one. I don't know if you've played the third one, but I haven't.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:14

I I need to. Um, it does it it does one of my favorite tropes though, where it's just like shave his head and give him a beard, make him an old man.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:24

And a Bahama mama shirt or whatever the fuck, Tommy Bahama. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:30

Well, it fits more because he's like supposed to be in Cuba or something in that one, isn't he?

SPEAKER_06 1:00:34

It's actually Brazil. And um I that's my favorite version of Max Payne in the series because he is like way past fucking giving a shit. It's kind of like John Rambo. Like it reminds me of just the older version, but like even more deadly and you know, less giving a fucks. That game is fantastic, especially because it's so upgraded across the board, even with the physics and everything. But my god, it is so hard. You think this game's hard? Bro, party three is ridiculous, anyways. Yeah, so there's uh there's graphics audio, there's gameplay, there's first impressions on Max Payne. I think it is time for us to give our verdict. It's the time of the giving the verdict.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:17

What are you doing, Antony? Antonia Porquay, you know?

SPEAKER_02 1:01:26

Why are you holding up with the uh the reviews here? Come on! Hey, give me a bad guy.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:30

Give me the goddamn cannoli, Frank! Ah right, Max Payne. I just keep going with this forever. No, we have to fucking stop. Otherwise, it'll be 30 minutes of this. People are like, what the fuck are we listening to? Um, Max Payne has this place in video game history, and surprisingly, the first entry is still entertaining. I say surprisingly because it is a very old game and it is very dated, but I still found some entertainment in it, if not for some extremely frustrating and really terrible glitchy issues I also experienced. I didn't have a game-breaking one like Mr. Miller did, but I did struggle with certain areas where I'm like, come the fuck on. Like, this is just bad design right here. Just I don't want to jump over this dumb shit. Anyways, I feel like if you've never experienced any game in this franchise, I would start with one. If you're able to play it, I guess go for the Xbox version, since the PC one is a roll of the dice, and the PS2 version is the worst. If you have played any of these games, just go play the third one. The third one is dope. But uh, with all that said, I give Max Payne 77 out of 100.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:47

Solid C. Mr. Miller.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:52

I was thoroughly prepared to give this game an A. I was loving every moment of it. Uh, it was right up my alley. I I just I love the feel, I love the voice acting, um the the music is good. Um, it is and and the gunplay is so solid. It's it's a really entertaining game until you hit those moments. And you know, I don't know about angels, but it's really fear that gives men wings. But those wings will take you to hell, just like those game-breaking bugs. And for that, I'm gonna I gotta I gotta take off at least like 25 points. We're we're we're we're we're we're sending it to to see to see territory. Oh wow, we gotta give it like a like a 73, maybe even just a 70. Wow, okay. Because I could I couldn't finish the game. That's that I mean it's like being handed a uh an essay and a third of it's just not there. Yeah, fair enough, fair enough.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:07

I mean, I gave it a 77, so and I didn't have that problem, but I also played the fucking worst version.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:14

I'm I'm being generous because I should have just failed it. Yeah, it's just the first the the first part, it really it I was looking forward to playing it every time I powered it up. I was just like, yeah, this is my my fun time now.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:34

You know, I did too. I had that same effect. I was actually looking forward to playing it after work and stuff. It's been a while. I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna play some more Max Payne tonight, like continue the second um act. And I was like, Yeah, that's gonna be nice. And then yeah, and then it got really fucking crazy hard and and started just having incredibly bad like physics issues. And I was like, Wow, that was unemp unemployed Mr. Miller noise.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:02

I um and I would chalk that up purely just diversion, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:07

Like, I I cannot wait for the remaster, dude. Yeah, in the meantime, play part three. Part three is fucking great.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:15

So I'll probably just do a synapsis of part two. Okay, because I hear part two um has the same issues as part one as far as PC playability goes.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:27

Yeah, part three is completely it was released on the 360, so it's like guaranteed much more modern game, much more modern, yeah, with all the quality of life adjustments, and just a dope ass game because it's all in Brazil, so it's really cool. Um, well that that that'll be funny. With both of our scores combined, Max Payne gets 150 out of 200, which I don't pretty much puts it at a C. Solid C. It is time to spill spill the wheel. Now, oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:56

Oh, don't you escape me just yet? We got it.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:00

Talking about the the movie.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:01

Oh we gotta talk about that marky mark joint. Okay, well let's talk about the movie. So I I did re-watch it. Really? Um yeah, I was giving myself the full max pain experience. Apparently. This is one of those. Like, did they just get the cliff notes and say, yeah, we could do it better? Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:34

Have you seen it? I I've seen scenes of it. I have not watched it. No.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:39

It is so not Max Payne, it hurts.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:43

Yeah, I hear it was a complete departure from its core uh like material.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:48

Yeah, he spends way too much time pushing papers in an office. It's just it's it's it's Marky Mark just wanting to be a cop. And like there's almost no bullet time. They shoe in this weird, like supernatural element with the Valkyrie, where I guess they were trying to spice it up, and I think it came out around the time as um Constantine. So they added like these weird, like demonic Valkyrie angel things that would like chase people who use the drug. Um, it was also like developed to be like a super serum. So some people it so some people like got like super strong and couldn't feel pain, which is also the dumbest super serum you can think of, where it's just like, okay, well, bullets still stop you. It's even in one of the major fight scenes where uh the the what one of the bit big bads is kicking Max Payne's ass, and then he just shoots him once and he dies, and it's like, yeah, duh. He's he's not invincible, he just doesn't know when to stop. Um, and then he does a bunch of the drugs, and of course, he's one of the people that it works on, and he like flies out a window and gets caught by it's just so stupid. It's so stupid. I just wanted to rant about it for a little bit. So they pretty much did what they did to fucking Resident Evil, right? Yeah, no, it's just like fuck you, shitty Hollywood, fuck you, Marky Mark. It just it's awful.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:37

By the way, Constantine's fucking great. I need to rewatch that. Crunt Constantine is a great movie, and I can't wait for a number two. Yeah, that's gonna be great. Well, there you go, everybody. There's a review of Max Payne from Marky Mark's perspective. Um, surprisingly gets an F. So I know Yeah, just don't watch it.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:57

Don't watch it. Just save save yourself two hours. It's also way too long. Two hours? I think it's yeah, it's it's it's it's it's I want to say it's more than two hours. That's fucking absurd. Why is it two hours long? This could have been an email. It's it's because he had to spend so much time doing cop shit. Okay, well and that's the other thing. It's like you never in the game, he never goes to the the precinct. He's on the run. Like you should never be in an office. It's true.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:34

It doesn't make any sense. And where's the bullet time? How do they not have enough bullet two hours and it barely has bullet time in it?

SPEAKER_02 1:09:40

Give me a fucking break. I I think there, I think there is one scene that I can like remember, and it's so fast that it's just like, what was the point of that? Oh wow.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:50

So yeah, he just wanted it. He's just like, whatever, whatever IP is cheap right now where I can be a cop. Let's just do that. Yeah, it's it it's bad. Sucks balls. Well, there you go, everybody. Don't see the max pain movie. Play the max pain one if you want to. It's okay. Play max pain three. So now we're just reviewing Max Pain 3, pretty much. Alright, let's spin the goddamn wheel. Yeah, I don't know what this game is. Um but we're playing a game on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. Oh, it's a Super Nintendo game, and you don't know what it is. That's interesting. I know. It is, I've never played this game before. I didn't even know it existed. Um, it is a 2D platformer released only in North America, so there's no Japanese release. Bizarre.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:00

Um I don't know what else I could explain if you're gonna guess what this is at all, but uh Well, you just described 80% of the library, so true.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:12

Um well the game is it's called Skull Jagger. Revolt of the Westakins. Skull Jagger? Revolt of the Westakins? Yes. S-K-U-L-G-A-G. Sorry, J-A-G-G-E-R.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:31

What the hell?

SPEAKER_06 1:11:32

I know, I've never I don't know anything about this. So there it is. There's the next game. Oh, it's like a weird pirate game? Yeah. Well, I mean Skull Jagger. You know the cover, it looks like uh one of the smokers from uh Waterworld.

unknown 1:11:49

It really does.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:50

Looks just like him. It actually looks like the yeah, the the main villain. Yeah. That movie ain't bad, by the way. People, it needs its flowers. Give Waterworld its flowers, everybody.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:04

That the the um that the game or that game. Uh that movie does get dunked on way more than it deserved.

SPEAKER_06 1:12:11

Yeah, it's great. It's also I forgot Jack Plack was in it, so I was like, oh shit, he's in this. Right on. Alright, I want to thank the patrons. Thank you guys. Uh, appreciate your donations. It all goes to the Green Hill Humane Society. It's not needed. No, no, not gonna hurt my feelings if you want to stop um putting money in the Patreon. But you know, it all goes directly to the dogs and cats of the Green Hill Humane Society. Join the Discord, it's free. Small community of like-minded people like now old 56 pain. And you can add your own retro question of the week and join us in uh, I don't know, discussions talking about games, saying hi to everybody. And uh yeah, uh, Mr.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:48

Miller, any parting words? If you got a beard or you know somebody who has a beard and you think they could use some help or just want to give them a nice gift, uh go check out the beardstruggle.com. Uh, you can use my uh discount code, Mr. Miller21. Get yourself a 20% discount on everything that you purchase, and uh helps me out a little bit.

SPEAKER_06 1:13:12

That's awesome. Yeah, I totally forgot about that. Yeah, go check out actually I have it in the show notes, so it'll be the first link down there. So you don't have to write it down, just click that link and it'll send you directly with his coupon code. All right, everybody. Never always and don't judge a book by its grammar. Have a super garbage day and cut to B. I'll see you next week for Jagon Skulls. Goodbye.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:36

Thank you for watching with my dad. I just want to say everybody, guys, bye.